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Embracing Freedom 16x20" oil on Canvas Pad |
I never thought, I would ever be walking down this road of becoming an artist. When I was wrestling with the decision, and my husband can attest to this, I struggled with the implications that entailed being an artist. What I discovered was that most of the attitudes attached to being an artist ranged from eccentric genius to frivolous pursuit. These socially constructed labels and the accompanying attitudes are anything but conducive to someone who wants to step into this field today!
But whatever society dictates and one is led to adopt and believe, there are even stronger convictions that demand one's attention. These are the things that gnaw at one's heart and keeps one awake in the middle of the night. These are the things that fill one with a sense of unfulfilled longing and restlessness, with the question, "There must be more to life than this?", reverberating at the back of one's mind.
It is also the still small Voice that prods one to keep searching for an answer . . . meaning . . . purpose . . .
In my experience of God, I find Him to be a keen encourager of discovery, rather than a school master giving and expecting direct answers.
Thus, this journey of discovery of finding my vocation, and not my career! And thus, is encounter with an alternative that requires the inevitable swim upstream.
And one of the hardest lessons I am learning and have to admit to myself constantly is that if I am not one of my best encouragers, I can forget about going forward in this courageous journey into a place, which, of all things, lacks predictability.
You see, what I am learning is that if I want to carve out my own place in the world, and do it my way, then I have to face the facts:
a) Encouragement is a pretty rare, and therefore precious commodity in this field (it's not like all my relatives are lining up to congratulate me on my decision);
b) The stats on artist earnings (even in Canada) are pretty damning; and
c) if you wait for that pat on the back to start off on your vision, you can be pretty sure, you will never see it materialize.
I guess I am finally growing up, emotionally and spiritually. You see, I am one of those artists who has had their fair share of depression, despair and all the things that attach themselves to discouragement. But as I intentionally focus on what I believe I am called to BE and DO, and face the consequences of that choice with courage, it is becoming clear to me that I cannot afford to indulge in these passing moods of despondency.
And when the word "afford" or "cost" comes up in an artist's experience, it usually makes them pause, and think. real. hard.
And that's what I have been doing. I am not a holy altruist who is aiming to make just great art for the sake of art. While I want to live out of my heart, I firmly believe that one's craft should sustain one. When I regard encouragement as a precious and hard to come by commodity in my journey, I realize that every time I over-indulge discouragement, I am paying a heavy cost . . . a diminished capacity in persevering with courage and consistency with my vision.
Lately the still small Voice has been asking me whenever thoughts of self-doubt, self-loathing, low self-esteem, and all of those other "self"-centered junk come to me, "Hmm... do you think this will encourage you? Do you think you can afford to be down at this time?"
Don't get me wrong. I live out of my heart. But there is a season for everything.
With creative entrepreneurship comes responsibility. And every choice, even as minute as a passing thought, must be weighed and considered, or discarded. The path I am on is perilous enough, I don't need extra baggage . . .
But self-encouragement cannot be psyched up and produced upon request . . . and that's the catch. For me, I need the still small Voice that assures me that I was created with a purpose, and before I become somebody in somebody else's eyes, I am. Unconditionally. Loved by Someone who matters most.
And to be loved like this, has already made me successful.
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