Sometime ago I came across “8 Ways Self-Help is Killing You – And How to Use Them” by Kyle Eschenroeder, and I must say that I enjoyed it! At a time when my attention
span is unreliable at best, Kyle made me read the whole damn thing! Why? The man has content!
Eschenroeder notes that Self-Help is an industry that sets people up for
failure by creating ideals that are dangerously unrealistic, and delude people
into unhelpful positive thinking practices that have no realistic plans for
proactive change. The culture of enablement, where people are drawn into
following a cultish sort of leader, and their definition of success, instead of
doing the hard work of introspection, and related action are some of the things
Eschenroeder warns us against.
But
hey, I don't want to recreate his article. Go ahead and check it out for
yourself, it’s worth the time, especially with all the cool myth busting moves,
practical steps towards actualization, experience related observations complemented with references to Frankl, and Aristotle.
Burning Question:
Eschenroeder's article made me think about the irony of giving help about self-helpers. With all our advice and commentaries about the self-help industry, aren't we, both Eschenroeder and I, doing the same thing? Moreover, isn't that what the whole blogosphere is all about - everyone giving their expert opinion? Doesn't virtual community in many ways replicate what communities do in real life anyway - help each other? Is railing against the self-help industry really justifiable? Well yes and no. Yes, if we allow the opinions of others, no matter how expert, to rule our lives. And no, if we take the input of others with a grain of salt, exercise our own judgment, and take definitive action for better or for worse.
To only blame this industry for its predatory ways, is to ignore this reality – self-help gurus are only supplying the demand of a market that we, the people, have created. Perhaps getting perspective about some of the reasons why we indulge in the self-help industry, will help us rethink the attitudes that underlie our behaviours. Here, I'll just discuss why we perpetuate the self-help cycle under three of the eight abuses Eschenroeder highlights.
Creates an ideal:
Eschenroeder
says that “[t]he self-help
industry will tell you what kind of person is the most happy and “successful”
and then tell you exactly how to be that person.”
That they do, repeatedly and loudly sometimes.
Kinda like bullies if you ask me. But bullies thrive in a society that exalts and allows for unwholesome,
even mediocre ideals of identity.
Somehow we
have allowed anyone and everyone with a cool web presence or celebrity status to tell us who we are. Have we, somewhere
inside, bought into the lies that to be “successful” one has to
have a quarter million dollar house, be self-employed (ideally), a spouse, 2.5
kids, couple of vehicles, a pet ?
Simple test. Last time I checked, becoming an artist did not make it to the Top Ten Things to Discuss With Your Kid After Graduation.
Utopia is
an ideal as ancient as our human civilization. Plato did it with his Republic, as did More with Utopia.
But here’s the
caution about disdaining idealism: it’s not all bad. We need to have ideals, so
that we can judge our corresponding reality; having a vision about something
better helps us to be critical and not settle for what is. The only thing to remember though is that when used as an
escape clause, and as an excuse for not taking risks, and facing failure, then
it becomes a crutch. That’s when you allow your fears to create such a vacuum
in your identity that you end up running after anyone who appears to have a stronger, clearer, and not to mention, louder
articulations of identity. It’s when you can’t beat the bully, you decide to
join him/her.
It is not
for nothing the Greeks had a saying, “Know thyself” right above the door post
of their Oracle at Delphi - the place they used to go to get divine instruction.
Teaches you to lie to yourself:
It
takes willpower to keep the stiff upper lip, but it takes vulnerability to
connect with another, to in fact, love someone and be loved in return.
I
think the deceptiveness of the self-help industry is perpetuated by our
inability to face pain. I know pain intimately. As a kid I had a lot of it
emotionally. And my only survival mechanism was to dream my reality away. Of
course it was damaging; I am still working out my restoration because of it. But
the irony of life is, pain can’t be avoided. We all have it to different
degrees. Some of us are fortunate to have people, who intervene for us and walk
us through it, but some of us don’t. Often many tend to stuff it deep inside because
of the fear of rejection, or ridicule. I heard during one of the social work
courses I took, that in Canada hidden pain was the second highest form of
disability.
It’s
not cool to be all undone in a self-made world, where you are judged every day
on keeping up appearances . . .Which
brings me to another reason as to why we're allowing self-help gurus to be
killin’ us softly with their lies.
It’s
called the “good job!” movement into which we are indoctrinated from the moment
we can grasp the meaning of words.
Don't get me wrong, coming from a culture where a nice pat on the back was a rarity,
I absolutely appreciate the positive reinforcement of children. But what I find
somewhat scary is the equal rarity of meeting someone with enough balls, genuine
concern, and the good sense, who can tell me things straight up these days.
When all you hear is about the good things you do in school, you are already
indoctrinated into a culture that is placated and content with lies, and
appearances, and unable to deal with negative and the difficult realities . . .
no wonder we have indulged too many emperors going around in their empty guises,
insisting that they got something great on!
Have
we bred our own demise?
Self-help gurus teach us lies because we prefer the sugar coating; because we
are not secure in who we are, we are shit scared of the brazen truth damaging
our fragile self-esteems.
It’s
time to evaluate the company we keep. Are we really going for only those who
just agree with us and think like us? I dislike it immensely when people advice
others to drop the people who are negative, and drama prone. It’s a given that we
don’t have to put toxic people at the influencer
level in our life.
I
get that.
But
to totally dismiss the broken, the hurt, and the imperfect, is just to run away
from the negatives in our own life - the brazen realities of being human. Plus, what
would happen if or when we become the
broken, the hurt, and the imperfect? Are we forfeiting maturity that hardship cultivates in us for comfort?
Ignorant to
reality:
I thought that Eschenroeder was particularly
insightful on this point because he helped me think about my own dreams and the
level of intentionality with which I consider them.
It also made me think why we sometimes
fail to take action. In addition to a proneness for keeping up “successful”
appearances, I think one of the biggest issues that hinder people from taking
concrete action is apathy or indifference, the root cause of which is fear. Sometimes
ignorance actually is bliss, especially when it means we don’t have to rock the
boat of status quo and comfort. It’s less messy. It’s less scary.
Some of us actually believe that if we
ignore something, it will go away, not because we love lies so much, but
because we are shit scared to make the changes, which would entail significant
disruptions in our little worlds and to our comforts.
If
something really matters to you, you should be ready to live or die by it,
methinks. That may sound a bit intense, but the truth is, deciding to follow after my
dreams have cost me the opinion of family, friends, careers, and money.
But I have to follow my dreams because the “negative” pieces that make up who I am, the painful things that happened to me screamed out for attention. I had to stop and take a good look at who I am, who or what I’ve let define me, what I want and do not want to be or do in this fleeting breath called life.
My influencers push me to go beyond the mediocrity of shallow
praise, preferment, and appearance. They teach me that my dreams cost, not just
me, but others; that my freedom to pursue my dreams costs someone else theirs,
so I have to make every day count.
They
challenge me to be excellent, even when no one sees me or acknowledges me.
They remind me that I am not self-made, and that I don’t have to do it on my own; that I actually
have the Big Love watching over me, both to cheer me on to dream and to do the
impossible, as well as to keep me accountable.
That
in the end these things remain: faith, hope, and love, and that the greatest of
these things is love. Maybe all the self-help is not actually for ourselves. Maybe, the purpose of it really is about how to be with others, how to get along, how to love, how to realise that it was never.just.about.me.
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