The heart of the artist

It has been a little more than a year since I decided to take the narrow path of becoming a full time artist. Reaching this decision was a difficult, scary, and lonely one. Even after making the decision and tentatively stepping on this path, I often succumbed to self-doubt, and discouragement and if I am honest, still do.

So after nearly a year, what do I have to say about the path I took? I think looking at the evidence full in the face, without judgment, is the way I should go here.

Most people feared this career choice was a waste of my time, and life, primarily because of the very low financial results I would yield. Even Revenue Canada under 'Reasonable Expectation of Profit’ notes that artists, will take a longer period to see a return on their investment; they would take several years in fact to succeed as a small business.

So why did I take such a non-viable route as this?

Simply this. I needed to know whether I could do it. I needed to give my dream a chance. My husband and I are only 2 years into our marriage, and do not have children yet. We know when life happens, things which keep us up at night, will no longer be our dreams. . .

The past year was painful to say the least. Not only because what Revenue Canada and those who warned me said came to pass financially, but also because my heart gave up so many, many times. And each time futility and failure met me at the end of one project after another, the disappointment grew layer upon layer. 

Was I insane to repeatedly go after the same dream, expecting different results?

No. I tried different things; learnt a lot of things about setting up, and writing blogs, social media strategy, connecting with people, putting myself out there boldly, creating consistently etc. . . I also realized the need for time to make it in this field; the need to prepare for the long-haul. But I think one of the biggest lessons I will continue to learn for the rest of my life is the need to go on dreaming when others have long stopped dreaming.

You can say that this is a noble and inspirational lesson. But the way to it is an ignorable path, one that involves facing failure head on, experiencing and wrestling with anger, with myself and others, dealing with disappointment, and the most gut wrenching of all, losing hope, and learning to fight for it again, even when I didn't want to.

In the last couple of months I really gave up. When I looked at the facts of my journey, all I saw were the numbers, the losses, how I did not earn a reasonable profit. With all the desperate financial needs we are currently facing, my decision seems like the worst thing I ever did. I thought the only person who was to blame was me, so I became angry at myself and stopped painting.

Dreams are funny things. They don't make sense, they go beyond reasoning. How did
Edison get up and go for another round till the 1000^th time? Did something more than reason drive him all those 999 times?

Dreams are funny things. Even though at the birthing stage they are messy and painful, they are somehow profoundly connected to life. They demand no less than your entire focus, and effect no less than every fiber of what it means to be you. . .

I don't know about others who quit dreaming because it got hard. Honestly, I don't blame them. I empathize with the difficulty, and how much it cost them to keep dreaming. But something happened which made me re-consider and re-evaluate the pain of disappointment. I had a night dream.

In the dream, I saw myself being pursued by bad guys who had really ugly intentions towards me. I desperately banged on someone's door, and this happy and talkative guy opened the door. There was another older person in the house. I immediately recognized him/her as the good Spirit. But there was one thing in particular which stood out to me about this person: this ancient looking person was in charge of the house and s/he was a visual artist. I begged them to take me in and protect me from my pursuers. The older person said yes, and I was taken in and immediately protected. I woke up.

Up to that point, I had been growing unhappier each day; my heart was becoming harder with disappointment turned into bitterness, and bitterness into cynicism. Cynicism tainted my general outlook in life with pessimism, and joylessness. Before the dream, I didn't see how these things were slowly jading me. Neither did I admit that my decision to stop painting was connected to it.

But the dream woke me up to the truth.

Cynicism is deadly for the dreamer. It kills wonder, curiosity, and simplicity.

Creativity is not just a career path. It is how the good Spirit makes Himself known to me the most. Not only that, it is a refuge from enemies like hardness of heart, bitterness, hopelessness, and pessimism. When I express in colours and words, my life comes alive, and I wish I could explain this rationally,

But most of all, when I create, I experience things deeply: I enter experiences fully and walk them out truthfully, and finally seek expression uninhibitedly. I live with my heart on my sleeve. I love boldly.

Yes it hurts to follow my dream. And the initial failure sucks, especially when I have little to show for my efforts. But when I paint, even when I fight to paint, and wrestle with this life and death struggle with my dreams, I learn to weep. I learn to live.

A friend of mine, a counselor by day, a poet, and photographer by night, shared an insight about how often, we don’t want to face the pain in our lives, and most of the time we prefer running away.

How true! Conditioned with instant gratification, the over-indulgence of appearance and the feel-good, we fail to realize how we also need to experience pain, to face it in our own hearts, in order to face it in others; how we sometimes need to weep alone, so we can weep with others; how pain is necessary to mature.

At the end of a year of trying to live true to myself, this is one thing I've realized: the dreams written in my heart pave a path to discovering myself, which can be both incredibly rewarding and incredibly heart breaking. Somehow this path is meant to make you not just reach your dream one day, but make you into someone who can actually carry that dream.

Every dreamer must understand that if what they are pursing is not costing them much, their dreams are not worth pursuing.

Every dreamer must know that if they are not willing to try again and again, until giving up stops becoming their default response, they are not worthy of their dreams.

Every artist must learn, that it is through creating that they keep their hearts alive, from being hardened to wonder. 

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